Breaking Bad News to Elderly Parents
Recently I had to break the news to my parents about the death of my brother. While it was a difficult experience to face, I knew I had to do it so I didn’t put it off. It was a relief that I didn’t muck it up and my parents handled it well. It got me to thinking about the challenges of breaking bad news to elderly parents and what tips there might be to make it easier, or go more smoothly. Here’s what I found out.
If you can, don’t jump in with the news first thing. This may be difficult if your presence at their home, or on the phone, is out of the ordinary. Ask them how things are going and/or how they’re feeling. A few open-ended questions is a good way to start the conversation. Be sure to listen, and don’t be quick to fill the silence. Let them talk if you can.
When you feel their side of the conversation begin to dwindle, it’s your turn to talk. “Mom/Dad, I came here to tell you that…” If we’re talking about a death of a family member, or friend, don’t worry about being particularly eloquent. You can say, “I came to tell you that Tom died.” Or you can use, “passed away”. If you want, you can preface it by saying that you have ‘sad news’, or that ‘there’s no easy way to say this’. Don’t beat around the bush, but don’t rush through it either.
From here on in, your job is to convey the relevant facts, be a good listener and to provide comfort. Let them talk. Answer their questions as well as you can. Let them lead the conversation. Try to just listen and be open to a range of feelings. Let your parents express all their feelings, even if they’re hard to listen to. Talk about your own grief, feelings, and memories, and let your parent know that he’s loved and that you’ll do your best to support him throughout the process.
Keep in mind that everyone reacts differently to bad news. Some people are more emotional than others. Make sure that you’re prepared to break the news by being as in control of your emotions as possible. If they yell, remain calm and try to calm them. If they cry, comfort them. They may just remain silent, letting the news sink in. If they do that, put your arm around their shoulders and show sympathy.
On the other hand, if you don’t think you’re up to it and just can’t do it, consider asking another family member, or a minister, to do it.
You can see how doctors are taught to break bad news using Robert Buckman’s Six Step Protocol for Breaking Bad News.
If you’re a doctor, you probably already know his book: How to Break Bad News: A Guide for Health Care Professionals
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