Surviving the Six Stages of Leaving Your Home
Lately we’ve run across a number of accounts of children of seniors helping their parents make the transitions from fully independent living to some sort of assisted care. Typically, the big decision is whether it’s time to move from a long-time home to some sort of independent arrangement which provides housing and services, but not health care.
One such article ran in the October issue of Kiplinger’s, called Helping Your Parent to a New Life, chronicles the journey of the author’s mother from her home of 30 years to an independent living community. As with many stories of this type, it starts with a vague recognition of additional need, or increased risk in the existing living situation. Even though consideration is given to alternate living situation, no decision is made until a crisis event forces their hand. In this case, the mother has a heart attack and during her recovery, the father dies of cancer.
Disbelief was my first response to the New York Times blog post by Jane Gross discussing Dr. Cheryl Woodson’s book, To Survive Caregiving. The post notes that Woodson asserts that assisted living, a popular solution for elderly people who cannot live independently, is a “myth, a place for people who don’t exist.” Woodson’s take appears to be: at the moment when our parents need more help in their homes than we can provide ourselves, assisted living if it works at all won’t suffice for long. You may no longer have to cut the grass, or cook some meals, but soon parents need additional services and the bills will grow briskly.
Woodson makes a good point, but arguably at one end of the spectrum of possible outcomes. If we’ve put off the decision, or a parent is aging quickly, assisted living may indeed be soon insufficient for their needs. For others, assisted living may be appropriate for a good number of years. However, unless the parent dies suddenly, additional care decisions will ultimately need to be addressed.
It seems as though many of these decisions follow a general pattern:
- Vague recognition, but no immediate commitment
- Growing momentum, but still no commitment
- Crystallizing event
- Search in earnest with hurried arrangements
- The move
- Fallout & Recovery
While it may not be possible to avoid the ‘no commitment’ period, doing your homework and being prepared will help avoid costly and painful mistakes when the time comes to make a decision for change.
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